Thursday, April 17, 2014

Writing. It's therapeutic, really.

For background on this post, you may want to visit this one first. It's one I didn't ever expect to write, or expect the response I got from it. I got so many emails/calls/texts from not only you, my friends but from strangers. People thanking me for sharing my story. Strangers, some who I now call friends, thanking me for being brave to share something, quite frankly, really personal.

I was honestly blown away by the response. So, thank you!

A few days after I shared my post, I found myself on Sunset Beach, Hawaii. As I was soaking up some much need sun, I received an email from a girl from Shanghai whom read my story. In her email, part of what she wrote:

" ...I can't be the person I used to be. My friends think im just moody. I want to be alone. I look fine but nobody understands. Words cant explain how pathetic I feel inside, believe me I feel so bad the pain becomes all i think about at times. i feel so ill.  I tend to cry. I don't do sports anymore, I can't do well in school. I'm staring to think its all in my head. I get terrible lower body pain. Im exhausted I just want relieve. What if it's not endo I couldn't live with this all my life. It happens over and over again. I don't know if I missed anything sorry I wasted your time. i appreciate for you to have read this. thank you for sharing and making me not feel alone anymore. thank you."

I laid there on the beach, re-reading this email over and over again. I related all too well to what she was feeling. Not only had my words comforted her, but her words comforted me. It reminded me, once again, that we are all here on earth to help each other through all our trials. It's okay to talk about them. We weren't meant to come to earth and suffer in silence. Alone. That's just silly.

If it's so much easier to handle things with an understanding support system, why do we bottle up and be silent about things? I get it, we all want to be Wonder Woman (Superman for you men), and it's not always necessary and/or appropriate to go around spilling our guts about our imperfections. But, sometimes it IS necessary and appropriate to do so.

Just think - if you had someone who actually understood what you were going through at that deep dark sad lonely time of yours, think how much easier that time could have been for you? You could be that for someone else.

Basically, it's sometimes really incredible to be vulnerable.

It's liberating, really.


In my last post, I mentioned how I was going to see a new doctor. Well, I did (but a different one than originally planned). I did more research and found a doctor with the same expertise in UTAH! Amaze-freakin-fest. There is a small amount of doctors in the world who can perform a more advanced and specialized surgery (excision) for Endometriosis. So, the fact that one was here in Utah was just... incredible. #blessing

March 4, 2014 was my big day. Dr. Jeff Arrington performed my surgery in Ogden, UT. So many miracles happened this day that I will never forget. Before I went to the hospital, my dad gave me a powerful Priesthood Blessing. One of which I know has been life changing.

Prior to surgery, you have a few appointments with your doc. When you have been sick and in constant pain for over 7 years, these appointments are actually really hopeful and strangely exciting. There is that hope that you might actually feel better when all is said and done. 

At my first appointment with Dr. Arrington, he found a mass the size of a quarter. Something he seemed to be quite concerned about. Which prompted an additional scan that was something I would never wish upon my worst enemy. So, we're not even going to talk about that right now.

He also expected my colon to have a significant amount of damage, which would result in things... that we're just not going to talk about.

He also expected my Endometriosis to be fairly significant. Meaning, a lot of damage (Endometriosis can "glue" your organs together and do other funky things). And, a lot of work to be done. He seemed to be prepared for a not so easy situation. But, promised me that he would leave in all important organs.

So, surgery went down. What was expected to be 2.5 - 3 hours long lasted only 1.5 hours! My parents told me that the mass he had found prior had...wait for it... DISAPPEARED.

Boom. If I could have moved, I would have done a celebratory dance!

The Priesthood and Faith are so so real. So real that it's sometimes a little scary. In a good way, of course. Faith really does "move mountains".

At my post-op appointment a couple weeks ago, Dr. Arrington told me that I have a 70% chance of being cured. That's pretty insane since it's not a curable disease. I am no longer in pain. I lay in bed every night in silence, feeling that no pain feeling. Do you know how incredible it is to not feel pain? I kind of feels like you're floating. But, you're not floating. It's clearly an indescribable thing. It's surreal. I also haven't been nauseous since. Another amazing thing. AND, my energy level is slowly starting to creep back. I no longer get home from work and go strait to my bed. All of this is still so new to me that I'm not even sure how to be "normal" again. And, it's kind of scary to try and be normal again with that fear that I wont be able to.

So, tonight, while you're in bed waiting to fall asleep - take a moment to feel that "no pain" feeling, and be grateful for that. Not every one has it. And, now that I do, I want to do everything in my power to help those who do have that pain get there. Because, it's changed my life.

Over the past several years of dealing with all of this, I've learned that it's okay to have imperfections. We're supposed to. I've learned to not be ashamed of things you go through in your life. Being open about certain things you go through could be life changing for someone else. It can make going through things seem somewhat worth it.

So, basically... if you ever catch me doing a jig like this, you know why!